How To Set Goals To Actually Get What You Desired
Learn from my mistakes on a better way to set goals.
Have you ever achieved a goal that you thought you wanted and had high expectations for, but that actually didn’t bring you what you thought it would?
Maybe you were after a job that you thought would make you feel good, feel successful, and accomplished? And then, when you got the job, after a while — maybe a month, maybe 3, maybe a year — you realized it’s kind of not what you thought it was gonna be. That it doesn’t bring you the fulfillment, the feeling of success you thought it would.
Or maybe you chased a relationship with someone you thought would make you happy. With someone you thought would be right for you, would fill your life with love and happiness — if only you could be together! But when it finally happened — it didn’t.
In one way or another, this has happened to all of us. It has certainly happened to me.
There are 2 main reasons why it happens. Let’s take a look at what those are.
The goal was not actually yours
Sometimes the goals we set for ourselves and the dreams we chase are not actually ours.
You see, when we grow up, we soak up the beliefs of our parents, our grandparents, our teachers, or peers. And then the whole social media comes in, and the TV and movies, and magazines, and books, and co-workers, and bosses, and everything else that the outside world tells us about what’s important and what we should be after.
And, with the outside world being so loud and so saturated with information, it’s so easy to confuse what my thoughts are, what my desires are, what my goals are — with everyone else’s.
I married my high school boyfriend in my early twenties because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. I thought it was what I wanted. I thought it was what would make me happy. It wasn’t. And we went our separate ways a year later.
In my early thirties, I really wanted to get a job as an HR manager in one of the top companies in my country. I was so sure it would make me happy and content! I did get the job, and I was even really good at it, but I realized I was miserable after a while. Yes, I had a successful career. Yes, I received all the recognition and all kinds of bonuses. And I had a great job at a great company. But I felt miserable.
I had a feeling that somehow this great life I’m living is not MINE. That it’s not authentic to me. It’s not what I actually want. It’s not what makes me happy.
Do you want to know what the saddest part is? That it took me 5 years to finally admit to myself that this is not for me. I spent five years of my life trying to convince myself I have to suck it up and try even harder. And I kept setting new goals for myself to be even better at my job. To finish one new project after another and achieve one target after another. As if it would somehow make me feel better. And it did for a minute.
A deep sense of disappointment started to creep up on me. Is that it? Is this what my life is gonna be? Is this the life I dreamt about when I was a little girl?
I wish I had been brave enough to make the necessary changes right then and there. I wasn’t. I was scared of the unknown. Even when the “known” was somewhat disappointing, the unknown was way scarier. So I took the long road by dragging it out a little more and made the final decision to pivot my career after my kids were born—one of the best decisions I ever made.
So, when you set a goal, be conscious of this, and check-in with yourself. Ask yourself — is this truly what I want?
And don’t worry if you feel a little lost or have difficulty distinguishing between your own desires and those from the outside world. It’s ok. You don’t have to have it all figured out. You’ll get there.
And sometimes — contrary to popular belief — it’s actually better not to set specific goals. Actually, more often than not, that’s the case.
And you’ll get what I mean by this in a second. But first, let’s take a look at the second reason why those goals often don’t bring us the good feeling we desired.
End goals VS. means goals
Vishen Lakhiani, the founder of Mindvalley and author of the bestselling book “The Code of the Extraordinary Mind”, talks about the importance of setting end goals vs. means goals.
This is a technique I’ve been using for many years now — long before I ever heard of this term. And I can tell you — it works wonders! It has brought so much good into my life that I’m really excited to share this with you.
End goals represent the actual end result you want to achieve. Not what you THINK you want, but what it is that you actually want. What makes you truly inspired and driven. A feeling you want to feel. An end goal is something that makes you happy, makes you inspired and excited just by thinking about it.
Some examples can be:
- A deep sense of fulfillment and excitement every day from the job you do
- A beautiful relationship with a loved one, full of love and happiness
- Freedom to organize your day the way you want to
- Build a successful business
- Raise my children to become extraordinary humans
- See, my favorite musician perform live on stage.
Meanwhile, a means goal represents your idea of what it is that will bring you this feeling of happiness, feeling of accomplishment, feeling of success, love, or anything else you actually want.
Means goals are your idea of a path that may (or may not) lead to an end goal.
Some examples of means goals would be:
- Get a promotion at work.
- Become a department head at company X
- Get a raise.
- Move to LA.
- Get engaged/get married to a specific person.
- Get this person to fall in love with me.
The problem with means goals is that they represent our conscious mind’s idea of what we think we want. What we think would make us happy. Often, it’s an illusion. You see, our conscious mind has very limited information, to make the decision of what’s best for us. Out of all the information out there, our brain has access to a very small proportion of that.
And then, our limiting beliefs, our fears and doubt, and all these unconscious constructions of our mind come into play.
And so, if we try to set specific goals with our brain, with our conscious mind — oftentimes, it does not bring us the desired outcome that we actually want.
So when I married the guy I thought I wanted to marry when I was 21, I was unhappy.
And when I got the job I thought I so wanted to get, I was actually miserable.
We do not always know what’s best for us. Not consciously, at least.
Instead of setting a means goal — ask yourself: WHY do you want to achieve this goal? What does it represent to you? What opportunities does it open for you? What is your “Why” behind this goal?
If you want that raise, because it will help you pay off your student loan, set an end goal to successfully pay off your student loan. That’s what you actually want — isn’t it? Or, better yet, set a goal to live in abundance and be free to spend your money on whatever you want to spend it on.
If you aim for that promotion because it would give you an opportunity to travel — set an end goal that sounds something like this: “I can travel freely and enjoy all these beautiful, exotic locations”.
And let Life let the Universe show you the best way to get there.
You never know — there might be a much better opportunity to do that. One you don’t even know of at this particular moment. One that will actually bring you all the joy and enjoyment or freedom you wanna feel.
Love of your life may be living a block from your house. And you might even pass by him or her in the local coffee shop once in a while. But if you’re zoned in on getting this other person to finally fall in love with you (aka a means goal), you may just keep passing by the Love of your life once in a while in the local coffee shop.
If you set a correct end goal — and leave the door open for the best opportunities to present themselves to you — that’s exactly what’s gonna happen.
If you don’t tie your happiness to a specific person, to a specific job, or a specific company, then the best person, the best relationship, the best job opportunity for you can come into your life. The one that will actually make you feel the way you want to feel.
And when you keep an open mind, you will be able to recognize and accept the right opportunity for you.
That’s why oftentimes it’s actually better to not set very specific goals. If you feel that they can be limiting.
And maybe what’s best for you is the person you have in mind. Or maybe it is that promotion at work. If you have set the end goal correctly, not only will you get this job or this relationship, but you will be able to fully enjoy it.
Like it happened for me.
I’ve been married to the Love of my life for 11 years now, we raise 3 beautiful children together, and every day I get to do what I love and what makes me happy and brings me a deep sense of meaning and fulfillment.
And if it worked for me — and keeps working for me time after time — it can certainly work for you.
So to recap:
1. Set end goals, not means goals. And let the Universe show you the best way, the best opportunity to get there.
2. Check-in with yourself to make sure the goal you set is something you actually want. That it’s true to you.
Final note. You may have noticed I didn’t talk about money (almost). Why? Because money is usually a means goal. If you feel a desire to set a money goal, ask yourself — what do you want to use that money for? What opportunities does it represent for you? And there’s your end goal. The representation of what it is that you actually want.
This article is for informational purposes only. It should not be considered Financial or Legal Advice. Not all information will be accurate. Consult a financial professional before making any significant financial decisions.
